Prof Jiang: Secret History #21: Livy’s History of Trump

In the year 2100, computer scientists engineer an AI model of the Roman historian Livy. Here is an excerpt from his biography of Donald Trump.

Like Sulla and Caesar, Trump was born into an aristocratic American family in decline. The Trump family dates back to the Mayflower, and had Native American heritage. This meant that the Trumps were the first family to arrive in the Americas, both from the politically incorrect as well as politically correct perspectives.

Every Trump male had fought in the American Revolution, in the American Civil War, and in the two World Wars – and together they accounted for half of the purple hearts ever awarded.

The British hated their former subjects for their liberty, happiness, and good teeth. They plotted to corrupt the American people, and they attempted to recruit the Trump family into their evil machinations. But the family was too virtuous, and so the British schemed to destroy them. By the time Donald Trump was born, the family was destitute.

The Trump family continued to instill love of country, liberty, and honor in their children. After winning the Vietnam War by himself, Donald Trump embarked on a wrestling career. He was seven feet tall, and his golden hair flowed down along his back. He loved beautiful women, and they loved him back. That is why he took the stage name “Samson.” As a side gig, he knocked down pillars of buildings slated for demolition.

After his wrestling career, Trump went into the hospitality trade, and found he had a sixth sense for starting successful businesses that in no way swindled anyone, and that never filed for bankruptcy. Trump Hotels became as beloved as McDonald’s, and young entrepreneurs sought his sage advice. He started Trump University as well as an “apprentice” program, which graduated millions of millionaires. Trump became a folk hero, a rags-to-riches story as splendid as that of Elon Musk. Everyone wanted to know the secret of his success. “I don’t ever drink,” Trump said, with a wink. “That ensures my stellar performance in bed.”

Not all good American families were as virtuous as the Trumps, and the British slowly co-opted the most powerful families. The British drugged the brave and strong American people into a stupor with fentanyl. British-controlled companies such as Vanguard and Blackrock robbed the farmers of their land, and forced them into debt slavery.

Trump had turned millions into millionaires, and the British bankrupted them. Millions called on Trump to launch a Second American Revolution, and he agreed because he wanted to make America great again. The British knew of the incorruptibility of the Trump family. They identified him as the greatest threat to their global machinations, and employed the world’s deadliest assassin.

In a day that will forever live in infamy, Thomas Crooks fired ten bullets into Trump, as he spoke at a campaign rally attended by a billion people in the small rustic town of Butler, Pennsylvania. The people surrounded the assassin, and tore him into pieces. On Good Friday 2024, the doctors proclaimed Trump dead on arrival.

Trump disagreed with their diagnosis, and got out of bed after three days, rising on Easter Sunday morning. Americans now knew their Messiah had returned.

The British financiers were not deterred after Trump won the election with a two hundred percent margin of victory. They owned Washington, and they were determined to turn Trump into their puppet. They knew Trump had a weakness for young beautiful woman, and they found an agent code-named Delilah to seduce him. She kept him in bed all day and night, and the Washington elite continued their evil ways, serving their British masters. America went to war with Iran, and the people were shepherded into slaughter in the sand.

Trump’s loyal millions had not given up hope on him, and secretly prepared to storm Washington. On July 4^th, 2028 (what will forever be remembered as “Liberation Day”), these millions of American patriots stormed the golden gates of Washington. They were ready to sacrifice their lives to break open the gates, but when they arrived the gates crashed down before them. They discovered that it was President Trump who with his bare hands had accomplished the Herculean task. Trump had been waiting for his loyal millions to arrive all along. Trump led them into the halls of Congress to kick out the British lackeys.

The British financiers were desperate, and they called on their servants in Canada and in Mexico to destroy Trump and America. The Canadians were fierce northern warriors who drank a poisonous concoction called Molson’s, and who savaged their enemies with passive-aggressive behavior. The Mexicans drank chipotle, and breathed out toxic fire.

Trump had a secret weapon. His rags-to-riches partner Elon Musk had invented all by himself and with his bare hands a global communication device called the Internet, and Trump delivered roaring speech after roaring speech, inspiring the Canadians and the Mexicans to rise up against their British masters. “Give me liberty, or give me death!” Trump roared. “Also, we have nuclear weapons, and you don’t!”

Inspired by Trump’s heroism, even the British people rebelled against the financiers, forcing them to flee to France. When French President Macron appeared to welcome them, they all drowned themselves to avoid setting foot in that foul land.

All of North America demanded that Trump declare himself king.

“I am no king, and we shall have no king,” Trump said. “My forefather George Washington Trump single-handedly won the American Revolution so that we may be free of kings.”

The people cried in agony when they realized Trump was too virtuous for them.

“I shall be forever your President,” Trump said. “And I promise you that when I die my son will be forever your President, and when he dies his son shall be President. We shall forego elections because you’ll all just vote for me anyway, so why bother? And we’ll change the name of our great country to Trumpland. But we will never have a king! Kings are evil! No kings! No kings! No kings!”

“No kings!” the people cheered. “May Trump live for ten thousand years! Ten thousand years! Ten thousand years!”

The people were so happy to know that Trump truly loved them.

I write all of this plainly and matter-of-factly, without exaggeration and without subterfuge. This is the truest history ever written.